Step 1: Choose a book to analyze, preferably one written over 100 years ago, originally in another language, and not at all based around plot. Anything with long, boring monologues about the trivial nature of the church or anything with a mention of suffering and the hopelessness of the human condition will suffice.
Step 2: Using your browser of choice, search “book title quotes” where book title is the title of your book.
Step 3: Copy the quotes you find online into a document that you then share with 3-4 friends that happen to be classmates as well. If the quotes come with analyzation, that’s perfect, just copy and paste (saves time) and hope you don’t have to submit to turnitin (which you don’t so that’s never been an issue). When writing, assert total confidence over every word in the book. You read it, you know it all, in fact, you even know it better than the author. You know what the author meant to say. You know the author better than they know themselves. Get out there champ and knock this essay out of the park.
Pro-tip: Thesis’ and topic sentences need commas in the middle. (Ex. Jimmy likes, meat)
Step 4: One to two days after the essay is due, schedule a conference with Mr. Mcateer, telling him that you were “sick” the last couple of days, and you “just don’t get it”. Wait for him to give you the answers, but be patient because it can take a little while to get them out of him.
Pro-tip: If you only have three body paragraphs but you need four, copy and paste your third paragraph to make a fourth.
Step 5: Lastly, take the answers that Mr. Mcateer gave you, the quotes you copied online, throw in some page numbers, a couple different variations of tension, antithesis, complexity, juxtaposition, ambiguity and share the document with Mr. Mcateer, who will then tell you to print once you get to school, (but don’t print and then share, it’s important that he asks you to print after you have shared it with him). If you don't want to turn in your essay, don't fret. Simply attempt to slide your work in with other assignments several months later.
Pro-tip: Try to invent words as you write. Non-sensical transformations of nouns to verbs works best (Ex. verbization, verbing, nouning, studenting, etc.).
Viola! You now have an essay.